So, I think I subconsciously make sure that I try my best to keep up with others, so I can avoid the feeling of falling or being behind. I realized something with my art journey (I don't really like using that word but its the only one I could come up so yeah), I would always think that when I was feeling insecure about my art because I was behind and I thought that if I was going at the same pace or even ahead of everyone else I wouldn't feel so insecure about my art. But I think with art you're going to feel insecure no matter what, it doesn't really have to do anything with progress or how much attention you get, because someone could still feel insecure about their art skill with 1m followers or have their work being displayed in a museum, and one could still feel insecure about their art skill even when they make a breakthrough in their journey by understanding a concept that once found to be hard when they see one of their peers appear to be leaps and bounds ahead of where they are skill-wise.

This is a thing I have been struggling with for a while because despite having a lot of progress in my art journey recently, finally understanding form, shading, and most importantly anatomy, I  still feel like I'm behind. This feeling leads me to compare my work with my peers (who have different backgrounds and circumstances) and I end up feeling insecure my progress despite my impressive breakthrough. I thought that now being out of my parent's house I would be able to make big progress (Which I have), but also I would get to a place where I always felt confident about my work no matter work, and wouldn't have to be always comparing myself to others. Then,  I started to think about all the works and projects I was able to finish while still under my parent's roof and the projects I've been able to finish while on my own.

After a while of thinking about it, I come to the conclusion that the amount of work I put into my art skills and projects was about the same. While, I've been able to pull more all-nighters without worrying about disturbing others, and focusing on some subjects I wasn't really able to focus on back home, it was still basically the same. At first, I thought this was a bad thing because one of the things I looked forward to when I was moving out of my parents' house was making big progress in my art skills and always feeling good about it, but that didn't happen at least in the way I thought it would go down. I think this way I take my pet projects so seriously because with every project I think that this one will finally lead me to the confidence and contentedness that I've always wanted or at least that would make me happy. 

This is also why I would try to finish projects as fast as possible not only as a way to show myself I was able to keep up with my peers but to able to speed up to that moment where I feel like I've accomplished something big before the feeling quickly fades and back to focusing on making the next project just as good as fast (or even faster) to get that feeling again. But, the thing with art is that you are  MEANT to take things slow, you are supposed to be always going back to the fundamentals and practice when you feel lost or insecure or on the edge of burnout. Heck, trying to speedrun through your work and practicing the fundamentals WILL lead one to burnout because they're not stopping to really take in their work or progress.

I always try to do something artistically productive each day, I end up working on three projects or studies and by the end of the day I usually don't have time to watch anime, or read books or play games as I told myself I was going to do earlier in the day. Which is something I really want to work on, since art isn't just about what you put out into the world, its about what you take in personally and use for reference, which is why it is important for me to step away from hyper-focusing on my own art stuff and take the time to enjoy the artwork that others make, also I don't want to be out of the loop with shiz

Anyways, thanks for coming to my rambly ted-talk, hopefully, my next post will be about a tv show, game, anime or book, or something (even if not that's still okay too, I still going through a lot rn)

until next time later days...