I had another dramatic episode AGAIN! GEEZ, GOD! when will I get this keeping your emotions until control thing RIGHT! You know what, I'm thinking about just making a mini project tracker type digital bujo thing with Canva ( since there's not an online bujo maker thing, don't know why that's not a thing) for more of my small projects (like drawings and such) I'll probably post it here and use the slide show function because I'll probably won't have that much to say that can't be summed up in the sentence or whatever blurb I come up with, since I was feelin' real productive when I was making the stories on insta for my magical girl models, hopefully I'll get the same feel with my drawings and be able to figure out my OWN PERSONAL workflow so I don't have to compare to others on the internet...Oof ( I HATE when  I do that)

I guess I'm an Multipotentialite , Which is just a fancy term I learned to today that means someone who does waay too much (heh), or if you wanna be nice it's someone who has a lot of interest and projects (Hey, that sounds famailair, huh) sigh I found this site that's all about Multipotenitalites after having another melodramatic breakdown (a small one this time) about all the projects I still haven't finsihed yet, and I was feeling some BIG guilt about it. The article and the comment had some good advice in them like 

"Guilt, I have found, is useful only when it helps us avoid behavior that betrays our own values … when its goal is making us behave according to someone else’s values, it’s a direct drain on joy. And shame – directed at our being, not our behavior – is ALWAYS corrosive, whether it comes directly from others’ input, or from our internalized Inner Critic "

I stopped telling myself that I failed when I don’t get to the end of a project. If you ask me about it, I will say I am not finished…yet. When I set something aside, it is always with the intention that I will finish it another time. It is easy to chalk it up to priorities. Something else is more important at this moment, so what I am working on will have to wait. I don’t care if it sits for months or years. It is not a failure because it isn’t done.

The article also help jam the fact into my head that's it's important that I have log of what I do during a project so I can look back on it to see how far I come, which is what my blog ( and my art log is for; but that's more for finished projects and stuff) I guess I just REAALLLY need to take the time to look back because I'm always thinking about the future and the next step I haven't gotten too because I'm taking too long on the current step, but it's not like I don't enjoy the little steps that make up a project I do that's why I make the "Making Of" posts, which I guess is a log kind of thing, so I was already doing that..IDK. I guess I what I'm trying to say that just need to be more patient with myself, since as an artist the better yet the longer you'll have to take to finish stuff espically if you wanna make it good, and I don't want to feel bad for being a good artist and taking my time with stuff. I think this is also to do with the fact that when I work on something I tend to go into this mindset that if I work on this all day, I'mma be done with it. But ART and LIFE don't work like that, and having that mindset just has been driving me crazy and I'm not having fun, ya know. So, Instead I'm going to try to set a goal (no matter how small) so that way I wouldn't end up being sucked by my work and not having anytime to read, watch movies, play games, daydream or doing the other dorky things I like to do and just live or whatever...

Oof, SOO! here I am again, I woke up at 11:15 YAY FOR ME!!! I got real bummed about as I usually do, but try to do what all the self compassion site say to do in times like this, and tried to go easy on myself. I got up out of bed instead of moping in my misery and brushed my teeth, then made myself a cup of hot chocolate with a bunch of marshmallows and a whole heap of whip cream ( like how I like it) and taste pretty great, and I'm already starting to feel a bit better so that's nice

Off the topics of me not trying to make myself bum and trying not think about things that make me bum, I did things yesterday, I made my first own Kao ani and here it is..

Yeah it's not anything too special it's a little bit janky, but I think if I keep practicing the kinks will probably smooth themselves out. I got the idea to make my own Kao ani after a late night web search for some, after coming across of a bunch of defuct websites and websites that were hard to navgatie through due my poor japanese skills I started to think "Hey, most of these emojis are only like a few frames, you can even make something really out of two frames nothing too fancy", so I started to sketch out some designs for my own Kao ani based off  ice cream and an old Dairy Queen game (that I've never got a chance to beat) I used to play...

I think making Kao ani and other emojis are pretty good way for me to practice animation at least for right, I still find making 2D animation memes intimidating, even simple exercise I end up making into a big to do, I really like the idea of making my own web graphics ( really adds to the 2000s feel for my site you know) and if my stuff is good enough I might share it on DA or something  or start my own page on Glitter Graphics ( that'll be cool) or at least host them on my Neocities site (once I get back into that again).

Another thing I planning to work on TODAY at least is make a Tik Tok style art video, I don't know if I'll actually upload it to Tik Tok (because last time I did that I got one mean comment and that's it) I probably just upload it here and on insta (maybe YT but I'll probably just upload comps if I continue to do more of these). I know Tik Tok is cringe (but like not cringe at same, which kind makes it still if not even more cringe), I just like how the vids are shoot and the little effects people add and maybe this will move me to make more traditional are stuff and have a sketchbook filled with finished work (even tho' that's not what a sketchbook is for but ╮(￣ω￣;)╭)

I wanted to use the audio from this tik tok for mine.....

I made a whole character based off this to film for my tik tok..

So, yeah that's mostly what I'm planning to do today, I'm hoping I can get all colored and done before the sun goes down, but looking at the other art tik toks, I'll probably be fine with just using the light from my phone (hopefully..)

DUDE I JUST FOUND THE MORTHERLODE (((o(*°▽°*)o))) OF KAOANI, I've been looking FOREVERR for the right site with the right amount of Kaoanis...YEET ╰(▔∀▔)╯! I mean I always knew about that french Kaoani site "The World Of Kaoani" and while they do have a neat section, I always felt like there was something more. Tonight, after going on another late night web surf (in search of web graphics) I FOUND IT with a little help from someone from Neocities (of course!), This site was surprisingly  also in french ( I guess the french enjoy some cute floating anime face blobs too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) , and once I saw some Kaoani's I was looking for the site I knew I hit the jackpot BBY (Bonus, too since the site lets you download the Kaoanis in a zip file)! Just another step closer to making my blog look even cuter...HUZZAH

!(ﾉ>ω<)ﾉ :｡･:*:･ﾟ’★,｡･:*:･ﾟ’☆

Here's the site btw, if you're into web graphics too: http://gocanucks.free.fr/

Today, I spent most of the day sleeping, because I'm still trying to catch on sleep after staying up until 8am, even though I got to sleep at 3am ( hey, it's better than 8am) and I managed to get up at 10 am and spent a hour playing Animal Crossing then took a nap until 2pm, which surprisingly made me feel a lot better than the nap I took the day before, like I gained back the sleep hours I lost (even though, that's pretty much impossible sadly). I got in some time to play Dragon's Quest 11, I wish had spent the time play other games, I've been sitting on or spent more time with family, but no I honestly spent most of time watching Dexter (which I don't regret, I really enjoy that show alot), and still was drowning in that nagging feeling like I'm doing to what I'm suppose to. This feeling made me really want to work on one of my projects, but I couldn't because my drawing tablet was charging downstairs.

At this point I feel myself sinking into another melodramatic episode (as I do) until I realized that I could just draw some sketches traditionally with pencil and paper in my sketchbook. I didn't draw anything too dramatic or complex just the usual cute simple expressions sketches and I started to feel much better, like I was actively fighting against the negative "shame voice" in my head. I then started to understand that while I do making alot of digitally stuff, I got waay more satisfaction from making traditional stuff, don't get me wrong I still enjoy making digital junk, but I think I'll always be proud of my traditional stuff the most since that thinks real blood, sweat and tears to make and I don't feel like I leaned on any fancy brushes, or hue manipulation. 

So, I think I'll be working on some more traditional stuff at lest when I got into my depressive doubts, I'm thinking about making short tik tok style videos for my traditional art stuff (since I don't have a fancy standee thing for over head shots) and think think I'm probably going to need ANOTHER sketch book since my current one's get pretty full, I'm hoping to have more finished work in the next one. So, yeah that's my newest self discovery thing I discovered about myself today, one step closer to being less melodramatic..yeet

I took a nap today ( kind of), and ate some ramen, I'm hoping to spend more time to tomorrow just enjoying stuff, ya know like playing some games, reading books-- just enjoy stuff, man, and I feel like I haven't been able to do that recently because I feel like I've almost grown addicted to the feeling of making stuff. Like I don't truly feel like myself if I don't make anything, and while it's true that creativity is a part of my personality, I don't want it to CONTROL my entire sense of self. I think it has do to with my sense of shame, If I'm working on stuff it usually drowns out the voice of shame, but when I'm not doing anything creative and just livin' the voice of shame comes back to tell me stuff like "Don't forget you HAVE to finish this project" or "Remember when you said that you were going to work on this project today" or "Did you give up on this project already,OOF". It's not that I've given up on stuff, I just want to have a break, and don't want to make myself feel gulity for that either. I'm really hoping to work on that, I mean it's not like any of the stuff I'm working on NEEDS to be finished on a certain date anyways, and even if it did I know I would try my hardest to reach that goal. I also think I get this shame feeling because I tend not to look back at what I've done at leaast not fondly or like I have done it. Usually, when I finish a project I'd be happy with for a while then forget about once I start the next project (which is usually is like the next day..OOf). I think I just need to give myself more credit, be easier in myself I think that's what it all boils down to, I just need to be more chill with myself, I guess...

Okay, so turns out that staying up until 8am was the best idea in the world, I felt like a total loser waking up to my phone telling me it's 1 pm in the afternoon..OOF. I hadd a bowl of cereal just to try to pretend that day wasn't already HALF OVER, Cinnnamon Toast Churros always taste good but this time they tasted a bit bitter than usual..OOOF! I maybe a night owl, but that deosn't mean I don't enjoy be able to make the most of my mornings other than sleeping the day away. I'm gonna try to get some Animal Crossing footage for my YT Channel, and hopefully I can successful set it up by my self without going to my older sibling for help...

(Just learned that me being melodramatic just might be a me 'ting or at least a 20's me 'ting...Oof)

Cough cough So, its 5 am and just came off of a melodramatic high, and despite not feeling sleepy at all before typing this, I'm slowing starting to the feel the droops, so I'mma try to type as much as I can to the best of my ability before I conk out . I've spent to previous hours before starting this post looking up to see if I'm doing this "whole blogging thing" right, checked around to see if I learn any useful advice, and surveys says:

Turns out I've been going about this whole blog thing wrong! Apparently, I'm suppose to Start a Blog, Turn my Personal Blog into a Niche blog, Find a Niche Audience, ????? then PROFIT! huh...yeah, we all know by NOW that this blog isn't gonna be making bank nor gathering an audience. So, instead of consult the money hungry clout chasing modern internet, I decided to go back to my roots, and looked at the first post I made on this blog which was a list of reasons I started this blog...

Yeah...All these reasons still ring pretty true, I really do want to work on the last one though, I feel like I don't post much of my art on here as I would like. (Granted I haven't drawn anything digital full colored in hot min, but that's a thing for another day). I guess that means I'm the right track with my blog at least according to my own reasons. Looking for advice for my blog made me realize how most blogs went from a space for people to express their true thoughts and feelings to the world to just another place where people just flex and try to make a profit ( like what most social media site have become), that's fine and dandy if you wanna live that life, but this got me thinking of how I could make my blog stand out, I think I might start incorporating  more old web graphics from places like glitter graphics, old web find blogs, and the like (especially since my Neocities is still on hold because I need to redo my homepage AGAIN! OOF!). I'm pretty sure you could guess that tho' from my last few post. This also means that my blog is really going to be  a space for only me, which is why that whole cultivating an audience is a laugh. But, it's still nice to know that I have a space to completely make my own...

With that out of the way, on to my ramblings about my art stuff...

I've been on a MMD kick for a while now, I've made 4 new models:; two magical girls, an updated self model, and an model of my splatoon OC, I've been debating to make another "Making Of" post or make a digital scrapbook flash thing out of the stories I posted on instagram, just to spice things up because while the model making process is interesting it does get pretty repetitive, at least this way it would be more visually interesting. I also been working on a "flash" comic with my OC models I finally got all the pic taken, now I just need to edit a few of them and put them all together, I found an online program thats pretty similar to Adobe Flash, just easier to understand (at least for me). I really miss the flash visual novels I used to "read/play" on DA back in the early days, so I decided to make my own, while the stories probably won't interest anyone, but me they're still pretty fun to make...

I've also took the time to update my self model, since the old was looking a little bit dusty and stuff, I even made a cute gif with it...

I finally gotten to working on a few render to stuff, I think I've gotten better at using the effects and also took some pointers from editing my sim pics...

I want to work on more of these (might as well since I download  ALOT of models). and it helps  my DA page from looking so bare while I work on the flash comic.

Other than 3D junk, I've been planning to make a flash comic with an old idea of someone adopting a fairy, that idea was going to be done with paperchildren, but I felt like that was a bit cringe, so I just gonna do it digitally for now. I thought the idea was still going to look cringe on digital but it ended up looking pretty good, like I improved on  my drawing skills somehow (its a Christmas miracle) 

The drawings came out better than I imagined!!

I really want to do a making of post for my drawings, I don't think I could do with just one single drawing (I could just record a speeddraw for that), but it would probably work better for a project like this, I'll give it a shot (if all goes well, I'll probably make more of these and I'll probably make one for that Boba tea maker dress up game I want to make)..

Oh, I forgot to put this in the mmd section (well, there aren't any sections, I'm not THAT organized...OOF! I wish) I'm making an animation with the It's Too Scary Meme with one of my magical girl models, Wisteria. I just thought this meme really fit with her look, here's what I got so far...

Yeah, that's all I got so far, but its a start, I wanna do more 2D animations at least before the year's out, I think I might just focus on making animated icons and emotes since those are pretty basic (in theory at least) and it would be cool to use my own emotes to use..

and that's basically it for all the art stuff I done in the past few weeks, I want to update my IRL art log, and work on some IRL pages for my animal crossing  section in my journal (but my desk is a bit of a mess atm), and work on my actual AC blog. It's just so hard to play Animal Crossing AND blog about it in the same day, SOOO much stuff can happen man like geez! but typepad does have the past schedule post thing, so I can make it LOOK like I posted on the blog daily while playing, I mean it's not like anyone's going to know and if they do would they even care all at much, I mean you try to run an AC blog and document all the happens in your game daily OOF! 

Other than that, typing this post did make me feel good, while I'm most likely working on art stuff, I usually dont post about it because there's still a part of me that thinks blogs are suppose to be for IRL things, or the IRL post are the most important post on a blog, but this is MY blog and art is a subject I care alot about among various other things that don't require going outside the house like making sweets, video games, books, and movies. I want to utilize this blog more so I'll have something to look back on later in life, also I think having this blog lessen the sad boy hours of my life by a ton (also its a great excuse to make/use old web graphics ) 

Until next time....

Aye I update my blog, so now it looks better on mobile, yeet, I'm planning to type more on here. I still wanna do review and stuff, and I do want to talk about stuff like blog should, I'm just worried that it wouldn't really be all that structured but life isn't even all that strutured is it, I made this blog so I can talk about my feelings about life, so why am I denying use of my own outlet oof...