There's a art hashtag going around on Twitter, #drawthisinyourstyle (which is pretty much self explanatory) so I decided to take a stab and it and here are my results.

(The character in question name is Orion, he's is one of Trin (@opallpansy)'s Ocs)

Music: Frad-First Date, Tally Hall - Hidden in The Sand

Ever since I been posting my art to the FF15 reddit, I've had gotten that "feeling" again, this feeling usually comes when I join a new community and start posting my art there. This feeling especially comes when I get a of bunch likes/complements on drawing that I made.When I make a drawing and gets alot of likes and complements I get this euphoric feeling like I get this big grin on my face, all those mins (and sometimes hours) putting my heart and soul into a piece were finally worth it. I finally feel like I'm noticed as a artist, like I have a place in that said community, and like with any good feeling I tried to make the magic happen twice and make another drawing and post that up on the reddit... and that drawing didn't get as much likes as my first one and people were actually confused to what even was going on in the piece (and not like in the funny confused way I usually I don't mind people to react like, it was like the  "I don't get it" way), and I was confused on why this piece didn't get the same amount of likes and good comments as the last one because I put the same amount of soul and heart in this as I did with the last one. At first, I told myself that this didn't bother me, but that wasn't true it was bothering me (it always bothers me when this happens). (I'm not blaming the FF15 reddit this happens to me everywhere Twitter, other reddits, Deviantart, Instagram and even Discord any place where I share my art)

I start to get "the feeling" of not being worthy as an artist and I start chasing the dream of getting more likes, but recently since I started being more introspective with my thoughts and feelings, I started asking myself what I really want as an artist. Did I really want to be artist with large following, or I would I rather be a good artist with the same amount of followers I have right now. Of course, I chose the ladder because I REALLY want to see how my art would look with more advanced art skills (if that makes any sense). Like if I were to have a time machine I would go forward in time just to see how my art has grown because lately I really do feel like I'm on the cusp of finally having an art style that looks good! (not saying that the art I have now looks bad necessarily, I just have this feeling I'm so close to where I want to be as an artist, ya' know?), then  I started to question where did I get this need to have a large following (a.k.a BECOME FAMOUS)? as a kid I never really liked the idea of being famous, to me it always seem like such a hassle; having everyone being in your face and wanting to know what you're doing 24/7, having to watch what you say or do or everyone could and would instantly turn on you, always having to do something all the time instead of just being and living.

It seemed like a nightmare (especially  to a seemly shy introvert like me). That's why I liked the idea of being artist/cartoonist I could share my art with others and my characters/ work get the fame and I could just go about myself with out worrying about being accosted by crazed fans and I could live a normal simple life. With this knowledge back into my mind, I was utterly baffled why I wanted to have a large following on the internet because internet fame comes with the same cons as regular fame (maybe even a little bit worse). Was it because internet fame seemed easier to get than regular fame? No, not really, I thought about it a little bit more until I realized I had equated a large following with good artist (i.e the more followers a person has the better their art skills are) which made since like I mention on this blog before one my favorite original character couples (Poppy & Miles) had a sizeable fanbase at the time I found them, they were the reason I wanted to make my own characters and post my art online. So, I had this idea installed in me since I was young and it made sense at the time, but the more I started to ponder about this theory the less sense it made. There were tons of times I came across amazing art and the artist's following was small and other times when the art wasn't that great the person manage to garner a large following, also the factors that play a role increasing someone's following are so vast it's hard to say if this artist has large following because they draw NSFW,  draw fan art more than original art, has a webcomic, shares their art on other platforms, has a youtube channel, goes to a fancy art school-- the list of factors are endless and its hard to say. This reminded me of a quote from a webseries on YouTube I like to watch (and I will probably do a post on sometime in the future)

("We're not all playing the same video game though, We're playing 7 billon different ones

and impossible to compare!)

There are so many elements that count in how and a person got their following (and likes) it's just impossible to compare! We are unique beings, we all come from different backgrounds and have to deal with different difficulties, so it's dumb to compare someone else's online status to my own (when we my not even live in  the same country!). Heck, one of my favorite online artist makes super amazing detailed work and has a famous voice actor following her and her art post on twitter gets an average of about 10 likes!

I don't want to make myself see social media as a contest ( i don't like contests), I don't want to villainize social media ( like r/phones are bad ) because I have met some of the most amazing people on social media and I was able to help others through it and gotten alot of opportunities because of social media, but at the same time I don't want social media to control my art, when making a drawing I don't want to be like "oh I want this character to do this, but--Oof-- what if nobody gets it then it won't get that much likes"-No, that's dumb I want to draw what I want to draw, I want to be  happy with what I worked hard to make, and if I can make at least one person's day that's great, if not that's fine too. All that matters is that I'M proud of it at the end of the day since I'm the one who's going to be looking at my art the most. I also don't want to end up just making art to keep up with my like streak or to remind everyone that I'm important or that I exist. (there's a really good video that I recently rewatched made by one youtuber who I've been following since almost early middle school, where she talks about her thoughts and feels on social media and likes and how that affects her as a person and an artist, I agree with a lot of her points--I'mma just put the vid here if you wanna check it out)

What I'm trying to say I guess is that what I want myself to learn from this is that how many likes and followers you have doesn't make you a good or bad artist, what makes you a good artist is making art with passion and soul, which is what I do all the time. I think I may take a break from posting my art to so many places, I think I'll just go back to posting art on here on my blog and on my twitter (since I really appreciate  the people who follow me there and they seem really interested in my art) and from now on when I post art that's not on  my blog or twitter I'm just going to post it and not look back to how many likes I did or didn't get.  

Yeet! I finally completed my first speed-draw it's pretty neat to watch myself draw without actually drawing if that makes any sense....

Music: Kendall Miles X Sweetbn- Flowers, Biosphere- It's a great big world, Khai Dreams- Come True

I was playing Smash and I was practicing with Cloud  and ended up playing around the taunts and got this idea ...

( Feel talk are post where I just talk about whatever the latest in my emotional burst, since I tend to keep my negative emotions bottled up--- like a healthy human being--- the bottle breaks and I usually results in me  doing or saying something dumb or irrational--basically I make a huge mountain out of tiny mole hills)

Oof, so I was going to make a speed-draw video for this prompto gif I made but the footage is clocking out to be longer than 10 minutes (which makes sense I worked on this for like 2 days and it's gif meaning it's more than one picture so...). Also I was so proud of the gif that I made that posted it to reddit asap then about an hour later I deleted it because I wasn't proud of it no more (mostly because I thought it was pandering  a little) I kept checking to see how many likes it got and it keep shifting between 4 and 2 and I got really upset when I saw the two and had a "I'm most beautiful unlucky girl in the world" moment mixed with imposter syndrome and quickly deleted it.

I then proceed to go to my room to cry about it for like 10 minutes (yes, I am a woman and artist in current year)  then realized how dumb I was being and how irrational thing I just did was, then I got a little bit more sad when I realize that if I hadn't deleted my gif it could had made someone's day (because the last time I posted on the reddit I got a comment from someone that said "hey this really made my day thank you for making this" which is a comment I never gotten before on anything I made that wasn't specifically for someone), I also put a joke I was hoping someone would catch but now that's null in void because no one will see it now...so...Oof! 

So, yeah couple that with having to render all the clips from the speed-draw (some of the clips were longer than an hour) so that way it wouldn't lag in playback and making sure I have enough songs that aren't repeats then trying to cram everything in 10 min intervals because I  refuse to post my  speed-draw to Youtube because I just haven't been diggin' the vibe they been putting out lately and streamables only allow videos no longer than 10 mins and...UGH!

I know there's no one for me to get  mad at in the situation (other than myself) because I'm the only one who can make me feel the way I feel about things, it just so dumb how I was so proud of  this gif and just because I didn't get more than 4 likes in an hour I nuke the whole thing! I just can't believe I could be so petty...it's..just...UGH! 

I mean it's not like I'm still not proud what I've have made-- I am and I'm also proud of myself for trying to make a speed-draw (you can be proud of trying to do something, right?) . This speed-draw made me realize how detailed I am when it comes to--- small details--- so that's a plus. I just feel like If I had heard someone doing this exact same thing I did I would have told them "you shouldn't have been so quick to assume that your art was bad just because it didn't garner the "right" amount of the likes in the "right" amount of time...whatever the "right" amount likes or whatever the right amount of time is in the case if that even exist..you shouldn't have let those negatives thoughts get to you so easily like that.." but everything looks different when you're on the other side, you know?

Sigh I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've learned my lesson for this randomly emotional episode and I can see my faults and I don't want to wallow in the despair (I don't know if making a whole blog post about it is considering "wallowing" but it's just for me get my mind off it, you know?) I'm pretty sure older me from like 4 years from now wouldn't even remember this moment, she probably has bigger issues to deal with or is perfectly happy with the recent events in her life..(hopefully).

What I'm also trying to say is that I'm not mad at the reddit, I'm not mad my artwork, I don't dislike Prompto or Cloud's character because of this, I'm not necessarily mad at myself, I'm mad at my actions. I'm upset that I let my negative thoughts and emotions "cloud" (heheh, get it?) my judgement and impaired my ability to think irrationally and make the more adult decision just to post my  art and then walk away and work on something else (which is what I've should have done), but at the same I don't hold this against myself because that's not healthy either I don't want to look at my gif, or the reddit, or Cloud, or Prompto and think "Hey, remember when you got so upset that the gif you made didn't get more than 4 likes in a hour and  you deleted it?"  I don't want to get stuck on a mistake I made in the past ( I've been guilty of doing that before many times and it never helps with anything but keeping my self-esteem low and my anxiety high).

I'm not making this post so people can pity me either I don't expect anyone to read this and suddenly my gif is overflown with likes on my twitter (because I did post it there, but it's kind of buried now not because I don't like it but because that's just how twitter works, my dude) I would hate just to get petty likes, and this is  not a fairy tale. I'm making this post because I want to acknowledge that I have made a mistake, analyze what thoughts and actions lead me to make said mistake, think about what actions I could take next time so it wouldn't happen and then move on...(I think this is  called Introspection)

I'm still going to post the reddit and make another piece and speed-draw tho (hopefully it won't be that long) thanks for coming to my TED talk

As I been working on my speed-drawing video, it reminded me of this video that find really inspiring, it's nothing too special it only has about 50 views and it's on a seemly (now) dead channel, while I don't mind when people call me an "drawer" (I do that to myself more often than not tbh), it hits me right in the feels as an artist. I follow this artist now on twitter and insta their art's really good and they've  playing rpgs since they were young, but yeah anyways I just find this video cool and inspiring ...   

Okay, so the sims just dropped the trailer for their up coming game pack and....(Oof, I'm not sure how I feel about it). Through out most of the this week I think the sims have been dropping weird and subtle hints about a something new coming to the game,  and people were excited hoping it had to do something with University (a beloved expansion pack in the community). All the hints lend up to a teaser for a trailer, The Sims posted the premier notice for the new game pack trailer and fans were buzzed with excitement to see what this expansion pack had in store and about 3 hours ago the trailer premiered and well...

The trailer had a more unique and mysterious approach to this game pack compared to previous game trailers, this got people to either be getty with excitement or riddled with disappointed. Me, personally I still don't know how to feel  I was excited for the new game pack, but I wasn't really expecting anything. (All I want from the game at this point is fairies, but I didn't get that yet).  People are speculating that this game pack's story is going to be handled like how it was in Jungle Adventure (which was a game pack I never got because I just kind of forgot about it). I'll admit I'm pretty hyped to see how they handle a more story based game pack, and if this one is really good then aye more cool game pack for us. 

This game pack's story reminds me of the first town you come across in sanitarium with the mutated plant children who were being manipulated and poisoned by the alien plant creature only referred to as mother, or in this graphic novel that used to read all the  time in high school called Brain Camp, where two kids are sent to a prodigious camp so they can become smarter instead of wasting their summer playing videos games or drawing, they come to discover that the camp is actual place where the gov't does some weird experiments with kids and birds ( yeah, it's a weird comic but it's pretty good)..

I had drawn this in my sketchbook and I'm pretty proud how it came out much better than I expected. I wanted to record myself drawing it but I forgot to turn on my bandicam...Oof!

Oof...I'm having one of those days again,  the type of day where I get so many ideas for new projects, while I'm still working on my current one. I start to think of what I could be working on instead of the current thing I'm working on, then whatever I'm working on start to look bad in comparison to something doesn't even exist yet, and then if I feel like watching something it feels like I can't because that'll just be wasting time. Time  that could be use to create something,I feel like if I don't make something in the random allotted time I gave myself it just insta-sucks as if good ideas can even expire, I feel like I'm working too slow, even though nobody making me feel like this, but myself again.  I just get so many thoughts running through my head of what I want to do and there's not enough hours in the day for me to complete any of them. But then that's just the thing it's all in my head, I constantly have to remind myself that I'm only 19 (almost 20) and don't have to do anything really, I chose to take up these projects and stuff and unless it's a commission or someone straight comes up and ask me to join a contest or something I don't have to finish anything and it's not like I'm getting paid for it. But, this is just a thing a bunch of young artist go through, I just need to find my own coping thing to handle it (writing it out helps a little). It just feels like a I'm letting someone somewhere down--ya know but no one expects much from me--- people don't expect much from most 19-20 year olds anyways (it could also  be because it's cloudy and rainy outside....I don't like rainy days)....

I made a mix tape because things are a little too quiet around here, you can listen if you

 want no pressure...